I admit it: I’m jealous. 

I’m jealous of the cis guys who had the boyhood I would die for and almost did. I’m jealous of their dad and mum who call them son. I’m jealous of the stubble on their faces, the low rumble of their voice, the way their chest could never be mistaken for anything else. 

I know that boys and men and guys aren’t their youth or combined body parts. I know I’m just as much of a boy, a man as them, but I can’t help but feel anger and jealously flip over inside me because I was “born a girl” and my family won’t ever let me forget this. 

It’s at it’s all time worst, this whole family business. It’s hard to swallow her and she and miss, but I think I choked on “You can want to be a boy all you want, but you’ll never be one” the other day and “I don’t want to ever understand” is something I won’t soon forget. 

The truth is I need to leave. The sooner, the faster, the fucking better. If I go back to college, if I stay here… I don’t know how much more I can take. I certainly can’t take two more years of it though. 

I’m just done. I’ve given up on them, but I have friends and a boyfriend who love me, so that’s something to look at and smile about. 

Thought of the day:  I am not my transition. I’m so much more than that.

So, my mum said something today that is both nice and terrible at the same time. 

We were talking about trans* stuff as we do sometimes and she just looked at me real serious for a moment and said, “You know if I could do it over again I would” and I asked her what she meant and she said, “I’d make it so you were born a boy.” 

The pause in her sentence was where “real” would be and even though she didn’t say it I know that’s what she meant. 

If I could do it all over again yeah, I’d probably choose to be cis too. Well, I can’t say that, can I? Sometimes I think I’d choose being trans* again if I had another chance. Not a lot of the time, but sometimes. 

It hurts me that she can’t see that I’m her son. I’m a boy. I’ve always been a boy. I’m more than willing to be her son… she’s just gotta let me, you know?

Sigh. 

An Introduction of Sorts 

So, I guess I should start this thing off by saying my name is Matt and I’m a dude that was assumed female at birth (how very inconsiderate of them, I know.)

I have another blog (ancient-amateur) where I post some GSM and personal stuff, but I felt like creating another blog to talk about trans* stuff only would be beneficial to me so here I am. 

As far as basics go in the trans* community I’m both pre-op and pre-T, though the latter should change in the next three to four months when I get a job and something to drive around in. I do want surgery (at least of the top variety) but that’s nowhere near in the cards right now. 

I’m eighteen and came out a few months after turning sixteen. I’ve socially transitioned as far as I can at this time and “pass” 99.9% of the time these days, but I do have issues with my family, especially my dad’s side of the family. They aren’t exactly what you’d call accepting in any way, shape or form. 

I also have a boyfriend who is super understanding and doesn’t treat me any differently from a cis dude. 

When I’m not busy thinking about GSM issues and the goals I have for my transition I can be found tweeting, watching Doctor Who, listening to music, reading books, writing and hanging out with friends. 

I plan on using this blog as a place to vent when I’m feeling dysphoric, or talk about the awesome stuff that happens during my future transition and reblog trans* posts/pictures/whatever that I think are cool or interesting or that I can relate to. 

So, yeah, that’s about it.