I admit it: I’m jealous.
I’m jealous of the cis guys who had the boyhood I would die for and almost did. I’m jealous of their dad and mum who call them son. I’m jealous of the stubble on their faces, the low rumble of their voice, the way their chest could never be mistaken for anything else.
I know that boys and men and guys aren’t their youth or combined body parts. I know I’m just as much of a boy, a man as them, but I can’t help but feel anger and jealously flip over inside me because I was “born a girl” and my family won’t ever let me forget this.
It’s at it’s all time worst, this whole family business. It’s hard to swallow her and she and miss, but I think I choked on “You can want to be a boy all you want, but you’ll never be one” the other day and “I don’t want to ever understand” is something I won’t soon forget.
The truth is I need to leave. The sooner, the faster, the fucking better. If I go back to college, if I stay here… I don’t know how much more I can take. I certainly can’t take two more years of it though.
I’m just done. I’ve given up on them, but I have friends and a boyfriend who love me, so that’s something to look at and smile about.